In a duff move that cut his infamous beginner racing career short, Bilbo Sandbaggins committed an error right out of the gate at Tuesday’s Dirt Derby. Pacifier Puckerlips, running in second place out of the gate, kept his eyes wide open, with his wheels tracking true between the Princess Peach Pink marking flags. Despite having an artificial lead of 100 meters, Senor Sandbaggins’ first-place finish was overruled, leaving Pacifier Puckerlips riding high with a beginner class victory to his name. When asked about the events leading up to his navigational n’er-do-well, Bilbo chuckled, citing “some really good Reggae” having slanted his perception whilst riding kamikaze for the hole shot.

In the open class, a shop owner with a geared bike beat a recovering luddite on a single speed.

The post race sausage-fest was a winner, with both maize and flour tortillas with which to wrap the titilating tubesteaks. However, points were deducted for lack of sauerkraut and spicy brown mustard.